Car fever is a disease that appears to be neurological and emotional. The "victim" begins to experience urges from a young age regardless of environment and people's efforts to repel the on coming illness. It is not hereditary and is a complete mystery to all but those who are "afflicted".
I use that word carefully as we're not really afflicted are we? I prefer to think of it as misunderstood. I've given up trying to explain the fever to those who don't have it, as they never seem to be able to grasp it. You either have it or you don't, although in some cases it is possible to contract a minor case from some individuals. However, such cases of infection are rare. The population
en masse believe that those who have car fever are sad and lonely individuals, unless they own a nice car in which case they're immediately considered to be gits. The wide spread belief is that you'll always have a knob in your hand whether it's the car's or your own.
There are several symptoms, which are all incurable, but if you have the illness you don't want to be cured so that's not really an issue is it? So how can you tell if you have it? Here are ten top signs that you're in the grips of car fever:
- Cars make you happy on a level that only life's carnal virtues can compare to. Given the choice between an hour in bed with Elle McPherson or an hour on a B-road with an Elise you have to stop and think about it. But then sense wins through and you let her down gently. After all, an Elise is a life changing experience. Sorry Elle.
- You will drive for the sake of it. Getting up in the morning and driving on your favourite roads for several hours just for the hell of it is completely normal. You will drive from A to B, but only via C, D, E, F...
- You have a favourite road on which is a favourite corner, or series of. You know this road and its surfaces as intimately as you know your partner.
- Cars consume most of your disposable income, and a fair amount of that which you don't have, but you can always justify it to yourself. £120k for a house seems expensive. £110k for a Ferrari 360CS is good value.
- The sight or sound of a beautiful car can put you into a state of paralysis. This can lead to puddles of drool gathering around one's chin, or in extreme cases urine around ones feet.
- On seeing a nice car on the same road, you will get within earshot and wind down the windows, even in the rain, to get a listen. Sufferers should be careful of this bearing in mind the potential hazards of number 5.
- During waking hours the ratio of automotive to non-automotive function is at least 70:30. Thought, speech, sight and sound is almost continuously tuned and ready for car material.
- The mind is devoted to a library of umpteen snippets of data about various cars: facts, figures and pictures. For example, the fact a 1984 Ferrari Testarossa has a flat 12 engine of 4942 cc capacity, 390 bhp, 362 lb.ft of torque and does 180 mph and 0-60 in 5.8 seconds is there for recall at any time.
- Everywhere you go you take an invisible steering wheel with you. This is then whipped out for use when describing any driving that you may have been doing recently. Oversteer is always much more heroic using this wheel. It works particularly well in conjunction with rotating wheel mounted office chairs, which can be manoeuvred with great alacrity at 60-degree angles of slip.
- Virtually every name or number you hear or read can be related to something automotive: 205, 328, 456, 600 - they all mean something.
Hopefully this has helped you to get an insight into the disease. If you're a sufferer, welcome to the asylum. Maybe the above will be of some use in trying to explain your illness to your partner. If you don't have a partner we can also help. Here's a nice picture of
the Lotus Exige...
Dave Jenkins - 8 Apr 2004
