Hang on while I park my super-yacht and tell my private jet pilot to take the evening off.
Ah, you sound like exactly the sort of wealthy person at whom the new Mercedes-Benz S-Class Cabriolet is being aimed. A spin off from the rather gorgeous S-Class Coupé, the Cabrio will make its debut at this year's Frankfurt Motor Show and will go on sale shortly after.
Initially it's being shown with two V8 petrol engines - badged S 500 and the mental S 63 AMG.
The body structure has extra helpings of magnesium and aluminium over and above the Coupé, so much so that Mercedes is claiming that, in spite of the extra roof mechanism and safety and strengthening kit, the Cabrio is actually no heavier than the Coupé.
That roof is a rather gorgeous multi-layer fabric affair, which goes from open to closed (or vice-versa) in just 20 seconds and can be used on the move at up to 37mph. It also, helpfully, works off the key fob, and while it uses the usual luggage-blind system to make sure you don't squish your suitcases, all of that is now taken care of electronically. The soft top is available in black, dark blue, beige and dark red.
Merc is, not surprisingly, also leaning heavily on the button marked LOAD IT WITH SAFETY KIT. On the electronic front, the car's Intelligent Drive systems include PRE-SAFE Brake with pedestrian detection, DISTRONIC PLUS with Steering Assist and Stop&Go Pilot, Brake Assist BAS PLUS with CrossTraffic Assist, Active Lane Keeping Assist, Adaptive Highbeam Assist Plus and Night View Assist Plus. In addition to a distance and collision warning function in conjunction with Adaptive Brake Assist, which offers collision protection from speeds as low as 4mph, the COLLISION PREVENTION ASSIST PLUS system (sorry about all these caps...) installed as standard also features an additional function: when a danger of collision persists and the driver fails to respond, the system is able to carry out autonomous braking at speeds of up to more than 62mph, thereby reducing the severity of collisions with slower or stopping vehicles. At speeds of up to around 31mph the system also brakes in response to stationary vehicles, and is able to prevent rear-end collisions at up to around 25mph.
Plus, in the horrendous event of a rollover, there are new pop-up rear roll bars, which are now fired and engaged by a combination of fast-acting pyrotechnics and compressed gas. In other words, if you're looking for a convertible in which to have a major accident, this is probably the right one.
On the comfort front, Mercedes has found another button to lean on, one marked MAKE IT STAGGERINGLY COMFORTABLE. Look at those multi-contour seats. They're so preposterously bulky and fitted with heating and cooling systems that they've started to look like leathery Dr Who villains. Needless to say, you can fit them with Merc's AIRSCARF system that blows warm air on your neck on a chilly day, while the seats, arm rests and steering wheel can all be heated.
There's an AIRSCAPE system too that extends an extra little wing from the top of the windscreen. It looks a bit daft, but it's been designed to minimise unwanted turbulent airflow into the cockpit.
Meanwhile, that cockpit has a new climate control system that is claimed to be able to keep the inside of the car cool or warm even with the roof down. A battery of sensors, actuators and fans works, without you needing to do anything other than set the temp and push the Auto button, to keep the air around the seats to your desired temperature. You can even have the system dispense the car's exclusive fragrance, Pacific Mood, through the vents. No, that's not a wind-up...
On the engine front, you can have it as an S 500 with a 4.7-litre twin-turbo V8 putting out 455hp and 700Nm of torque. Mercedes says it averages 33.2mpg and has CO2 emissions of 199g/km. It drives the rear wheels, natch, through Merc's new 9G-TRONIC nine-speed gearbox.
That not enough for you? What, seriously? Oh well, you obviously want the AMG S 63 then, with its 5.5-litre twin turbo with 585hp, 900Nm, four-wheel drive and 0-62mph in a frankly hilarious 3.9 seconds. Try keeping your coiffured hair neat when that's going on...
Keeping all of that on the road is standard-fit AIRMATIC air suspension with a four-link front axle, which can be altered and tweaked as the driver desires.